I just wanted the whole thing to go away

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“I didn’t want to hear about being pregnant or about choices – I just wanted the whole thing to go away.

All my friends seemed to be with someone and I was really beginning to wonder why I found it so hard. By the time I was in my final year, I still didn’t have any kind of special relationship with anyone and basically, I just wanted to finish with study and get on with my life.

The problem was, I didn’t finish. When my period didn’t come, I went into shock. I had been careful but obviously it didn’t work.

In the end, I just blocked it all out. When I went to the clinic, they asked me some basic questions and took the paperwork away for someone to sign. I don’t remember anyone talking to me very much – All I remember is being told not to talk to anyone apart from the clinic staff and to take it easy for a few days afterwards.

Everyone seemed to think that I should be able to put it all behind me and focus on my study.

It didn’t happen that way though. I didn’t settle into work for my exams. I didn’t tell any of my friends and it was too late to tell anyone in my family. The clinic organised some counselling but I didn’t want to go back there or have anything to do with anyone from that place. They were all OK with what I had done, but I wasn’t.

I know that my behaviour back then after the abortion was unsafe and reckless, but I didn’t really care.

How do I feel about it now? It’s the part of my life that no one can know about. It’s not something anyone could feel proud of and even when you hear people say that they support a woman’s choice, you know that it’s not really a proper choice. It’s like running away from something that’s never going to stop following you.”

If this story feels familiar, or has raised issues for you, we are here to help.  For confidential support and advice contact us or phone 04 974 8693 or 027 254 9222

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